' Shirley Fracture' by Kathleen Dittmar
Shirley went shopping for something new. Decided on a red & gold enamel coffee pot. Took it home & from it's box. Thought briefly about wasteful packaging. Broken spout. This always happened, two trips to the store for the same item.
Shirley had a special outfit she wore for serious shopping. Old blue air force uniform, wings on sleeves. Black stockings & old black bata shoes from school. Believing uniforms are respected, Shirley shopped with confidence. She got caught once & was charged with the theft of a packet of dental floss.
Yes, Shirley shoplifted. Thefts she'd got away with include a set of babushka dolls, a reversible cordless drill, gun powder scales, ten packets of instant noodles, a diamond ring & a sling shot.
Items she stole were perfect. Goods she paid for were faulty, always. Shirley told people she was from a broken home. This was one of the lies she used to excuse her criminal tendencies.
Shirley arrived home from the second shopping trip. Housebreak in progress. Intruders fled through the bathroom window. She managed to catch a leg & bit it, breaking the skin. She tasted blood. It broke free.
Everywhere destruction. Possessions smashed & broken. But nothing taken.
When the police had gone, Shirley realised she hadn't eaten that day. Opened the fridge, it was empty. All the food gone. In it's place a pile of frozen faeces on the Royal Albert platter inherited from Great Aunt Shirl. It had been a heavy day. Shirley broke down & was taken to hospital by ambulance.
She could hear staff talking, laughing behind the curtain. An accident victim lay there. The nurses had discovered a salami in his jeans. Shirley was certain it was the salami stolen from her fridge. Hysteria set in. She insisted the police be called to question the accident victim about small goods.
This photograph has nothing to do with the story but it's probably time I also shared, I am a massive Johnny Thunders fan. I think the other in the photo is Richard Hell.